Super Lame Indeed

Ok so ill tell you what's super lame.... the fact that non of us have posted anything for way too long!

I mean its not as if all of a sudden the world turned into a utopia. Come on fellas lets get it going.

It is after all the holiday season, there's a thousand reasons to start a rant.

Bah humbug you greedy little shitbags.

Ways to grow, and things to know...

When selling two tickets at 80.00 dollars a piece, type "Two tickets to tonight's show, 80.00 dollars a piece." Or hell, use the word each if you want to, it isn't rocket science.

What won't work is posting an ad that states: "Two tickets for tonight's Pogues show - 80.00." Beyond that, what won't work is when I call you and say "yes I would like to buy them because last nights show was so good I want to see them again, and can I get the pair for 70.00?" And you agree, even after I thank you again for selling them for 70.00. So I take the 49 line across town, where I witness another MUNI mugging because civilization is declining over shitty sidekick cell phones and I have to walk half the distance because the bus driver actually called the cops which is a miracle in itself. I then meet you in a part of SF I can't stand because I'm not a huge fan of hookers, gutter needles, and meth addiction but you told me it was close to your house and I think you're cutting me a deal still so I go along with it. And the worst way to go about it, is when I hand you 70.00 you say where is the rest of it and I think you're kidding, but you're not because you can't fucking type out the word EACH or A PIECE and give me some fucking sob story about how I wasted your time and that you need to buy formula for your newborn.

Jesus Christ. When you have my uneducated ass correcting your Criagslist grammar, you got issues.

Really Though?

Apparently 5 of the dumbest pieces of celluloid doo-doo weren't enough... thus, they diarrhea'd out Saw 6.

If you want to see a petrie dish of society's ills, go check out the salt of the earth that'll be standing in line on opening day when this sewage hits the theatres. Obese Big Gulp-swilling Deliverence types who brought their 7-year olds along for the ride standing behind sorostitutes standing behind 15 year olds wearing un-ironic Slipknot t-shirts.

I would rather be strung up my eyelashes and forced to watch whatever new installment of The Mummy franchise they're currently dreaming up or a prequel to the live-action version of The Flintstones then to ever have to sit through any of these.

JVM

Yo, anyone else catch JVM AKA Jane Velez Mitchell on Dr Phil?


Annoying Cunt

Man, just when you thought this fucking imbecilic porcupine couldn't be any more retarded and annoying, turns out bitch is an alcoholic dyke. Way to one-up MSNBC after they put on Rachel Maddow.


Lesbian news channel thunder: Stolen

Now we get to look forward to seeing this Mexican troll's fucking head day-in and day-out for the next few weeks yapping about her trials and tribulations while she pedals her fucking book on every show that will have her. Awesome.

Viet nah' mean?

While I was searching youtube for clips of Asian people dropping the N bomb (which was to serve as fodder for a blog about how fucking lame that is), I stumbled across this Cullinan Diamond of the interwebs. It's pretty much teetering on the brink of being so shitty that it's awesome, but a turd is still a turd even if you ate gold plated broccoli the night before.

So without further ado...

Oh well, I guess we can just do another round of lay offs to make up for it

The following names and dates have been changed in order to protect the identity of job security.

Part of my ... friend's daily duties is keeping track of old accounts, notifying them that that their company still has stuff on their network, and that if they don’t want it removed they will begin charging them for it. Some of the sales reps seem to think this is frivolous and will contact ... my friend and ask him to have these accounts credited if the customer bitches. Whatever, if they want to give money away because someone forgot to check the mail that’s fine. But it went beyond the pale yesterday when the owner of one of these companies decided to actually walk around his office and poke his nose into what his employees do everyday. Lo and Behold a few years ago someone he recently got rid of told my friend's company to charge them monthly for hosting their files. He is irate, and demands they give them back the 8,050 dollars they paid them since then.

This is ludicrous. If my son that I don’t have because I’m not Josh (congrats!) got his hands on my credit card and bought a monthly membership to Videobox .com for 9.95 a month (don’t ask how I know these rates), that’s my problem. “Oh look, my mail is here! Credit Card bill! Hmmm… more expensive then usual. Videobox .com, I wonder what that is. Maybe my cable company changed names or whatever. No big deal.”

Cut to 2 years later

“Hey Jr., do you know what Videobox is? PORNO?!?!?! This is an outrage! I’m not paying for this!” dials phone “Hello? Is this videobox? I had no idea what I’ve been paying for these last two years was porn and I demand to be reimbursed. But my son set up this account! What was that? Go Fuck myself?!”

So anyways, that’s pretty much how this went down. This dude got all irate and pulled the DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! card, and my friend had to explain to him that there is no such thing as a free lunch no matter how high on the food chain you are. Of course the sales rep is trying to get my friend to credit his account still. Great, my friend works with a guy that wants to give money to people that have no intention of paying their bills, and also successfully placated a fatcat that thinks if he screams and yells enough he can have his way. The only way my friend can rectify this situation in the slightest bit, would be if he took time and bandwidth to vent about it while on the clock.

And he just did.

Urban dictionary

For fucks sake can we please stop using these three to four letter excuses for words!

Fml, lmao, lml what do these mean? stop being so lazy.

I now have to refer to urban dictionary to figure out what people are talking about! this is not cool pack it in.

You went to school for a reason!

Welcome to the New Future, not nearly as bad ass as the old Future.

It's 2009.

If anything I watched growing up had an ounce of truth to it: we should have Replicants by 2019, hover boards coasting us to cities built out of lasers ala TMNT in Time's second to last level set in the year 2020 which I decided to revisit at 1:30 am this morning on a work day, in 2005 giant robots that can turn into awesome cars should have helped us battle a giant planet eater named Galvatron voiced by Orson Wells, in 2015 even more bad ass hover boards will be available to outrun bullies that look suspiciously like Flea (who recently started a band with Thom Yorke and at this point in both their carriers I don't know if either party wins because you can't un-write One Hot Minute), in 1999 mini disc players supplied by a Ralph Finnes should have let us live out our wildest fantasies, and in 2012 planes piloted by John Cusack's family are going to be able to fly around the world forever and avoid the Apocalypse or something... I can't really tell because I was distracted by all the crazy amounts of shit blowing up and falling over in that trailer.

It's 2009. 1/3rd of this country hates the President because he is 1/2 black, Insurance companies have a decades old death grip on health care and it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon, and Iphones won't even recognize Hell in it's predictive text. You call this progress?! Admittedly 2 out of 3 of these things have nothing to do with the lack of robots in our society but that's not the point... or maybe it is. All of this amazing stuff that has been promised to happen within the last 10 to next 20 years is no where in sight. Our last major technological advancement was transferring paper words into electronic ones.

Light bulb - radio - silent movies - flight - nuclear bomb - TV - space flight ... then ... Internet. The Internet was in it's infant stages in the early 80's. It's been 30 years.

I don't think I'm getting a hover board anytime soon. This is bullshit.

Digital TV is a load of crap

I don't pay for TV. I don't watch it very often, and I've yet to be able to convince myself (read: the wife) to spend $40+ a month on something I might catch a few hours of a week. We bought a digital TV a while back when our old one died figuring that when the switchover came we could catch all the local channels with the perfect clarity promised to us by the stupid commercials that played every 17 seconds for the 4 years leading up to the switch.

Well, that never happened. Before the switch we got about 20 channels (some of them were fuzzy, but we got em) and could enjoy a little mind-numbing entertainment when the occasion called for it. Post change-over we get a total of 5 channels, only 2 of which are in English.

W H A T
T H E
F U C K.

I live in the middle of the goddamned metropolitan area and I get 5 fucking channels. This is the best you can do? What about all those old grannies that want to catch The Price Is Right or Wheel Of Fortune? You took that away from them (and me too, i love me some game shows) in the name of "progress" you heartless bastards. What are these TV stations broadcasting off anyway? Coat hangers powered by electric toothbrush motors?

I guess the Evangelical Cristian right-wing Republicans (yes, they're to blame for everything wrong with this country) have finally backed me into a corner and I've been looking around at who's got the cheapest cable/satellite packages at the moment. So far it turns out none of them do. I thought competition was supposed to drive down prices? Oh well, here's to another kick in the balls for the common man.

The Block is Hot.

I've never had the experience of being jumped by a click of thugged-the-fuck-out raccoons, but I can't imagine that it's any fun.

Both hands on the wheel?!

Good evening people, I return again to divulge more of my problems with modern day society and those that live within its walls.

Lets start with the common everyday motor vehicle, what the fuck is with all these automatics?

Why do we need to be any lazier? Is drive thru fast food not enough?

I'm fully aware that I'm totally in the minority here (a place i often find myself in) but can someone please explain what is so hard about changing gears? why do we need automatics? what is so difficult about an extra pedal?

There's bound to be a very reasonable explanation, is it better for the car, perhaps the driver, maybe even the world around us. But i sincerely believe the reason why is to let more monkeys out there pass their tests. Thus creating more cars out there thus the demand for gas rises. There are so many retards allowed to drive on theses 5 car wide highways it constantly surprises me that there isn't a traffic jam from here to timbuktu! All an automatic is is a point and steer real life video game!!! there's no need for a brain in this mode, no need to think about what you are doing. Just point the car in the right direction and put your foot on the gas. Who cares about anything else!

Maybe car manufacturers decided that the modern day motorist would adhere to the law and have both hands on the wheel at all times if they didn't need to change gears? a fact they drastically got wrong, now instead i see degenerates using their free hand for all kinds of novel things: texting, changing playlists on ipods, doing their make-up, picking their brains out through their noses or seeing as we're living in california blowing their brains out with nuclear strength marijuana! (marijuana is going to be left to another rant if josh doesn't get to it first)

I enjoy driving, i find great satisfaction in changing gears, there's nothing better than hitting that sweet spot of a gear change, knowing that the late great Ayrton Senna could have done no better. there's something all powerful about a manual car, your not just driving it, your mastering it, your apart of its very essence. all this is lost on you automatic morons who shoot out all over the joint like you own it, without a care in the world because your too busy shouting "holla" waving said free arm around to the last gangsta rap verse on your ipods playlist.

There's so much more grace and passion in nimble, precise, energetic bursts of speed that come from shifting gears. So much more thought and attention in the driving of your vehicle.

This maybe a loosing battle and i maybe the only person who gives a fuck, but to hell with the automatic and to hell with the imbecile drivers out there on the freeway right now cutting across the lanes like a bat out of hell.

Die Slow

I would poison a whole city's water supply if it meant all of these people would die as a result.

Douchebag Patrol: The Deep V & The Scoop Yuck

I've been noticing a disturbing trend lately- dudes wearing super-deep v (as pictured above) and scoop-neck tees. There are a lot of wack fashion trends that need to go the way of the Dodo, but this one is the chief offender in my book. Nobody want to see the your greasy patch of chest hair or the zit minefield on your chest, and you look like a fucking homeless surfer. That's cool that you just got your chest blasted (no homo) with a tattoo of a big bald eagle eating a muslim cobra and holding 4th of July sparklers and a .45 Cal in its claws, but still... standard v-neck is as low as that shit needs to go. Now go cover yourself up, you Joey Lawrence piece of shit.

Where is it?

So the torch has been lit and thrust upon us. To shine a light on all that infuriate the usually calm and peaceful mid twenty going on eighty year olds we are.

My gripe of today isn't about the insanely stupid kids that run amuck on the streets, or about the fiendishly deviant crack heads that poor out of every darkened alley way one happens to come across. mine is about myself! shock horror indeed. I thought if I'm going to open this door i may as well realize my own failings first, and then castrate everyone else after.

How on earth is it that after years of working in a blood thirsty world of cut throat dealings and young chimps that would sodomize themselves to sniff my arse crack, is it that i still find myself shitting a brick when something slightly goes a wry?

Recently i found myself in the care of certain material that had an estimated value of someones small home. Now i pride myself on my togetherness and reliability, as any self respecting man should. So how is it that i come to misplace this material? of all the things to misplace why this? is my subconscious fucking with me? did i do something to upset it?

I then spend the best half of yesterday basically going over in my head of all the possible places it could be or all that I've done in this allotted time frame. now i hate to float my own boat but I'm a busy fella this is no easy task, especially with my obvious failing memory. I was then told by a very kind and helpful friend that "the best way to find something you've lost is to sit down and picture a piano, look at it and in your head walk around it. you notice somethings not right with the piano and you keep walking around it" then your supposed to remember where you left whatever your looking for! WHAT THE FUCK? this in no way helps at all, this only makes me think that not only am i stupid enough to loose something but that the only help left to man is new age mental therapy! whatever happen to key fobs that you could whistle at and they would whistle back?

I say bring them back, make it so they attach to everything!!! make it so that if I'm retarded enough to leave something, i only have to blow air through my lips and it is found!!!

We live in a apple mac world where Steve Jobs has informed us everything is possible. Make it so your iPhone can locate every item you own, hell make it so it can tell you where your testicles are if you've forgotten!

I found said item and suffice to say i had a very stiff drink to recover.

My downstairs neighbors

OK, during my 2 year stint in this building it has been pretty interesting. At one time the local TV traffic guy was living in the downstairs apartment, a rather rotund elderly drunken lady could often be seen wandering the building, a one-eyed Iranian crackhead was living in the alley below our window, and one of the neighboring apartments spent a short time as a crack den.

Lately it seems the apartment managers only seem to be accepting new tenants on the basis of their ownership of incredibly annoying toy dogs. I'm fine with pets, I own a cat (which i consider a suitable pet for a downtown apartment), but owning a dog in such a confined environment is just cruel, regardless of how gay your fucking chihuahua is (seriously you emasculated fucks, these little shits can't even fetch your slippers or the paper, what good are they?).

That's not even the worst of it. Not only do the smegwads downstairs own at least 3 of these fucking whiny, yappy, lame ass dogs, but they managed to score the apartment while both being unemployed.

You heard right, UNEMPLOYED. Way to screen your applicants guys. Good luck collecting rent, and kicking out squatters is difficult as fuck in this pussified state.

Now, to add insult to injury, these motherfuckers god a god damn drum kit. If i make it to the end of this week without catching a double homicide case then it'll be a miracle of biblical proportions. Stay tuned.

Whip It! can Suck It.

Drew Barrymore is a bonehead. Juliette Lewis is a zonked out hesher. And although Ellen Page is totally believable as the lead in a movie about the dikey-est sport other than women's weightlifting, the sound of her talking is equivalent to having jumbo-sized safety pins slowly inserted into my eardrums.

I can't think of a losing-er combination for a motion picture.